IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE - Don't Overlook The Obvious

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Not Enough Action

Marriages can fall apart
From too much planning
And too little input and action.

You've undoubtedly heard that old expression that 'Actions speak louder than words'.
However, you probably have not taken that concept and carried it out to the next level. The one involving both you and your wife or husband.

Some of you spend inordinate amounts of time with your spouse, planning.
Planning for vacation. Planning future household budgets. Planning to do household chores which never get done, for one reason or another. (Mostly because neither one of you wants to do them. Not that you don't know how.) Planning to change careers. Planning to check out that new church or synagogue or mosque. Planning to check out homes for sale. Planning to investigate the private school for your children. Planning to schedule more time for intimacy. Planning to get babysitters so that you can go out on a romantic date. Planning to...

I know! I was sort of long-winded, there! But, I wanted to prove the point. That there are many, many areas of our life that are the victim of procrastination.

Most times, there is only 1 of you who is overtly responsible for putting things on the back burner. Other times, it is a joint effort.
But, even when both of you play the 'planning game', it is usually not to the same extent. And, 1 of you will eventually tire of it. And become frustrated, then angry by your partner's unwillingness to also quit the game.
You will seek to move the process along by asking your husband or wife. Then, moving on to nagging. Pleading. Then, yelling or being passive-aggressive. (How I hate to use psychobabble, but this time, the word seems so appropriate!)

Occasionally, the obstinate spouse will try to appease you by saying that you have their permission to make the decision, do the work, make the phone calls, visit the 'whatever'... But you are too smart to fall for that.

The crisis takes place when you have reached the point that you are so very angry and bitter toward them, that you believe in your heart of hearts, that there is no turning back! And, you act upon that belief. Perhaps with a separation. Perhpas with a divorce. Perhaps by simply shutting down. And no longer communicationg with them on any type of loving, interpersonal level. They become, at best, your platonic roommate. (The irritating one, at that.)

But, don't believe for an instant that any children that you have will not be paying close attention to what is going on. And, whether or not they misread the cause, they see the result. And, it will impact them and their future relationships. Truly.

So, what do you do? Especially if you are the 1st to quit 'the game'?
you need to be frank with your spouse. In a nice, but firm way. (Because, remmber that you were a major player in this for a long time. You own much of the situation that you both now face.)
Don't rattle off the littany of areas that have not seen more than lip service. Begin with something relatively small, easily done, and, yet, significant enough that they will be able to make a connection between 'planning-action-positive results'.  - Don't belabour the matter. And, don't make a big deal if the results are not what you had hoped for!  

Uh, oh! - Don't tell me that you actually believe that I would ignore the instance where you are the perpetual planner and not the one who decided to call that loser of a game, quits!

If you finally realize that your spouse has decided that it is time for some action. And, not only in the bedroom. Then act! 'On what', you ask? It doesn't quite matter. Act! She or he will get the point. And, you will reap the rewards. Of which there should be many, along the way.

Finally, you might be curious as to what will happen if neither one of you decides to call it quits. - Well, I could tell you that the kids will ask for a divorce or to move in with their best friend's family. But, the truth is that eventually 1 of you will decide to end the game. And, if by some weird twist of fate, neither of you does this, then your inaction will come to haunt you. Because taking no action is an action. And, the results are rarely anything positive.

Bottom line: It is important to usually plan things instead of jumping in, without looking around first. However, too much planning, like too much of most things, will backfire. And, in a marriage the results can be quite devastating for all concerned.

'Nuff said!

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